big light day

today was my first day back to psychoanalysis after a two month break. her new office is in the freemason building on 23rd. i went to best buy after and stole wired headphones. then i almost went to adorama to buy a battery but i didn’t because none of the money from 2 jobs has transferred to my bank account yet . but in therapy we talked about taking accountability for my life so i guess its more accurate to say that i haven’t sent out an invoice for one of the jobs yet. psychotherapy, that was the first thing i was grateful for. my analyst said i look taller and im standing straighter. she feels more like a mentor for my spellcasting and praying than like my therapist.

the second thing i was grateful for is my new wednesday routine. my tuesday routine is after work go to the williamsburg beach and smoke and then either see friends or go to ceramics. my wednesday one is wake up go to therapy, look around the freemason building, go to the coffee shop with all mirrors inside in west village get a cappucino, then go to the japanese grocery and get onigiri, and go to the wash and sit in the fountain and eat. then go to work.

the third thing i was grateful for today is that the wash is in full swing, in a way that i havent seen it be since 2020. i loved it there it was extremely fried and cute. there were these live streamers in the middle of the fountain on tiktok live feeding melons and marshmallows to their two bulldogs. it was so fucking stupid but i accept that this is the new fried and funny and is no longer cringe. a college student girl flirted with me and asked for my number. she was a religious studies and philosophy major. i told her i’m seeing someone but we could follow each other on ig. then a different young girl came up to me and grabbed my hand and put this star sticker on it and told me “you are a cool vibe” and walked away.

the fourth thing i am grateful for is the sun today. it was so warm and lovely and i felt really good in it, the light was beautiful and it was like nobody could hurt me. i stood in it i walked in it i looked straight into it. everyone on the street looked so beautiful. i felt like i was in heaven.

the 5th thing i am thankful for today is that i am turning it around. i am not a victim of circumstance. everything in my life is a choice. i am choosing to suffer. i can choose to be happy and feel safe. i can choose relationships that make me feel happy and safe. i think i am really strong willed. that is like a muscle that takes time to build up. i can have utter blind confidence in myself. it took my whole life to be like that. i am my friend, i am my mother, i am my boss, my lover, and my sister. and i can set myself up to be happy and safe.

the people im grateful for today are neil, meg, alessandra, celeste, and janaina.