just go up there and start. people will look

had a wonderful long sleepless weekend and learned a thing or two. friday was meg’s party which we had extremely ambitious plans for. it started as having a play every hour on the hour and ended as we should just crucify jacoby. i think that is why big plans are so important. big plans + follow through + going easy on yourself in the process and being open to change = something cool will happen regardless.

anyways it was about an hour before we had to crucify jacoby and he was standing there freaking out, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, next to emmeline who was painted blue shining her phone light in her face so people wouldn’t think she was painted black … it was endearing because i had never seen him freak out before and i always assumed he was blindly confident and impulsive . instead he was just kind of shifty, kept looking around. eyes wide. big smile.

i asked him — Where’s your jesus costume? he responded — WHAT IS HAPPENING? How are we going to do this? where are we crucifying me? what is happening?

i said to him, just think of the next step.

thats always rule number one when you are overwhelmed. what is the next logical step? i figured we couldn’t think about crucifying him until he was looking like jesus. so we brought him into dylan’s room and pulled out two pillow cases from the closet. people needed to pass through dylans room to get to the dancefloor so at this point a crowd had begun to gather, wondering why this man was getting undressed while everyone flashed their lights on him. He had brought a crown of thorns, and george who was dressed as american psycho lent him some fake blood which neil used to make a side wound and forehead blood and stigmata.

and thus the first act of the performance was born. ACT ONE : JESUS’ FRIENDS HELP HIM GET READY FOR HIS CRUCIFIXION. then a bunch of things went wrong. like we couldnt get the headset mics to work and we couldnt find the power tools to make the cross. i was on shrooms staring straight into marley’s suitcase full of tools and wires when i was like yeah nah i cant do this. like please dont make me look at a mess when im on shrooms.

finally meg looks at me with a hammer and drill in hand and just goes “What do we do? how do we announce it?” i told her — just go up there and start. people will look. i said that because i had just learned in dylans room that thats how it works. okay she said. and she went up there, so nervous, jacoby so nervous, me so nervous filming the whole thing, and she looked at me and said help me and i said okay and then we went. she started hammering away, acting so cunty and being so beautiful and i just realized she didnt need me to help her and so i stepped back and let her do it. i mean meg was carrying the whole thing and it was amazing. shes one of the best performers i know and just like i told her everyone turned around and started watching. her whole schtick was that she was just a cunty roman punishing jesus kinda sexually. whatever it worked and i was obsessed with them lighting the whole thing and i turned around and this entire room of people was filming and watching while azalea banks played. once he was fully crucified on these stretchers that weren’t even put together, he was basically just holding them up, everyone cheered and booed him out of the room.

people said later it was the best thing they ever saw. its funny because it felt like we didn’t try at all. i told meg, its so easy to do things that are interesting because all you have to do is try about 5% more than everyone else does and magic will happen. we decided afterwards that she needs to start all her dj sets with a crucifixion.

it was the best party ive been to all year. i think doing some weird ass shit at the peak of a party is how you make it a good one. someone said to me later it reminded them of partying at SUNY purchase because we were constantly doing this party-as-art thing. i thought about how i said once in a heaven meeting that i didn’t want heaven to become a party series, i wanted it to stay rooted in the art. but now im reforming that thought. anyone have any book suggestions on partying as art?

the next day was the heaven show where we had to show the quilt at the BLIX x relax lounge residency. I WAS SO SPENT and the only one there fighting my way through this sinus infection i’d given myself the night before. no other organizer had arrived because everyone was at bikekill and i was way too fried to set anything up alone. so i just sat at relax drinking a cappucino. i couldn’t focus on making this quilt ritual pull through. all i could do was think about how to be a person. it was like the jesus thing — i can’t lead an event until i become someone first.

finally people started to show up just before blix went on. we had been working on this quilt the past two shows, where we’d get people to make squares of their worst fears. celeste put the whole thing together right as blix was about to go on, which was when we were supposed to pin our ribbons that looked like flames to the quilt in order to “light our fears on fire.” how do we hang it? where do we put it? should we go in now? people started looking to me for answers while i was still barely human. i thought about the night before. i couldn’t try or plan. i could only do the next logical step. i dragged the quilt into the venue and threw it on the floor. someone put it up behind blix while they played. i gave the ribbons to everyone in the room and nobody questioned it. i was too fried to do anything but scream and dance for the first songs of the set. then lena started singing the song she wrote for andri. and someone maybe me grabbed the quilt and put it on the floor. lena gave me the mic and i told people to pin their flames to the quilt to set fear on fire. lena kept singing and people crowded around the quilt and pinned their flames. then we stepped on it and lifted it into the air and crowdsurfed the quilt around.

i felt amazing and so did everyone else i think. i was too fried to decide. too fried to have tried. but i learned the lesson i learn over and over again in my life. the art of nondoing. the art of not trying. don’t try just do. people will look.